Time for your hebdomadal edition of the Deadspin Funbag . see more of Drew ’s stuff atKSKor onTwitter . Preorder Drew’snew Good Book , The Postmortal , mightily here . Email the Funbaghere . Today , we ’re cover Skype sex , substitution , cell phone death etiquette , and more .
I ’m on vacation next week , as much as someone like me can in reality be considered “ on vacation . ” In fact , I currently live in a bizarro world where going on holiday is MUCH more stressful and emotionally drain than work . This is for the most part because I have to pass a full week sleeping in the same room as my children . You should only have to sleep in same elbow room as your kid if alien have invaded the flaming Earth and are trying to mop you down with their giant alien laserbeams . Otherwise , it should never be necessary .
Anyway , there will be a Funbag next week , and I ’m extremely delirious to allow you know that your node Funbag writer next week will beLindy West , who is unreasonably odd . If you ’ve got a doubtfulness for next workweek ’s Funbag , just email thetips linewith the header FUNBAG , or hit up Lindy onTwitter .
Your letter of the alphabet :
Brian :
What ’s the over / under on the pct of fry on Skype having video recording conference sex with each other ? mayhap some are even experience remote gangbangs , with Skyped partners in unlike cities . Who needs phone sex when you could get the audio and the optic by Skyping your girlfriend after the parents are asleep and jerking it / fingerslamming it while both of you are altogether nude ?
Dammit ! I knew there was a reason I had Selena Roberts in my Skype directory . I have had any number of awkward telecasting conversation on Skype and I ca n’t even imagine how awkward they ’d become if I used the program for hot inexpert peep display and sound sex , especially if I kept the window open that showed what I attend like while bare in front of my computer .
ME : Oh God , you look so fucking hot .
PARTNER : What ?
ME : I said you look so fucking spicy .
spouse : I ’m sorry . You ’re breaking up .
ME : I enunciate YOU LOOK SO FUCKIN ’ … Jesus , are my pap really that hairy ? They do n’t seem anything like that in the mirror .
If you ’ve ever had a terrible experience with Skype sex , I kindly ask that you let us know about it .
Gabe :
How long do you have after winning a major sports title before you ’re expected to be fully serious again ?
Probably a week or so . in person , if I were a pro jock and my squad bring home the bacon it all , I ’d NEVER stop celebrating it . Ever . Eight old age by and by , I ’d still randomly bust in on my erstwhile lady conk to the bathroom and dunk her with Dom Perignon and be like GUESS WHO win THE 2003 SUPER BOWL , BITCH ? ! ME ! WOOOOHOOOOOO ! ! ! ! If I were a member of the Boston Bruins , I ’d have a reproduction of the Stanley Cup build ( as close to the real one as potential , with the names engrave and everything ) and then I ’d take it everywhere I went FOR life story .
I fucking hate it when coach and overachiever player win the title and then IMMEDIATELY begin babble about how they have to get right back to work to repeat next year . Jesus Christ , FUCK next year . I ’d never get back to work . I ’d just get progressively fatter and lazier until all the salutary will from our title running play was extinguish completely . That ’s the whole point of winning it all . I remember reading about Nick Saban after the Tide get ahead the internal title in 2009 and his wife was like , “ Nick takes two days off a year , even if he wins it all . ” Really ? What ’s the fucking pointedness then ? I detest that guy . And some fans are even worse about it . “ I want another ! ” Like you fucking did anything to win it . Just enjoy what you have for one goddamn second . If you ’re a pro athlete and you do n’t spend at least a month waking up face down in the sewer after gain ground a statute title , I have no respect for you .
MsS :
Seen in Texas :
I do ! I even give money to the cause , in the form of jewelry and any telephone number of immoderately price meals !
Timmy :
What do you think you have brushed more in your biography , your top row of tooth or your bottom row ? I be given to say bottom quarrel since you do n’t have to turn your radiocarpal joint as much , but I could be incorrect . These are the things I call back about at my cubicle .
I would assume it ’s the top run-in for most people , because the top row has the headliners of your teeth in the front four incisors . Those are the money teeth . You could be missing a bicuspid and people would n’t readily observe . But fall behind one of those front four teeth and people will run aside from you yell in repugnance think you ’re some sort of inbred cannibal tardbilly . So I brush those fuckers like they ’re the only teeth I have . I think I spend a solid two 10 just brush my front teeth ( mostly the tops ) before venturing further into my oral cavity . And the dentist would always chide me for not brush on the insides of my tooth , specifically at the corners . And I was like LISTEN TOOTHBOY ! That shit ai n’t well-situated to reach by conventional way ! You postulate a special Swiffer fastening to get at that jack .
By the way , a especial note choose the dental hygienists of the world : Can you stop hit the roof of my sass with the bally polisher ? Worst tickling torture ever .
Paul :
If you could jizz one flavour , what would it be and why ?
I would go with deep brown , it ’s the most universal .
It would have to be a flavor that you discover pleasing with jizz ’s natural grain . For example , you would n’t want it to taste like kick , because beef in originative form would be flaming complete . Whereas chocolate is find in sirup and mousses and many other smooth textures , so it ’s a much better flavor visibility for jizz . ( Watch “ Top Chef ” and the idiom “ flavor profile ” pop up a thousand fourth dimension . Just say “ flavor , ” asshole ) . Ditto salt caramel brown . ideate the enthusiastic head you ’d receive if you distinguish your date you were born with the superhuman ability to blunder salted raw sienna . Tell me that would n’t be the first thing you ’d list on your match.com visibility .
Ever have Magic Shell ? It ’s the chocolate syrup you put on shabu cream and when it hit the ice emollient it freeze up and makes a harden carapace around it . I ’d like my jizz to do that . WATCH WHAT HAPPENS TO YOUR CHEST ! IT ’S MAGIC !
Kevin :
If there was a rude disaster commons , ( or zoo , whatever work out ) how often would you confab ? I have go in the Midwest for the last 12 long time and have yet to see a tornado . This troubles me . I was think it would be somewhat rad if a shoes existed where citizenry could go and watch tornadoes , tsunamis , volcanoes all that awesome shit from a safe distance without all the death and destruction .
Well , there certainly are innate disaster simulators , likeEarthquake : The Big One , the honest-to-goodness drive at Universal Studios where you sat on a train and then got catch in an “ seism , ” model after scenes from the 1974 picture “ Earthquake , ” which on the dot no one remembers because it was so horrible . I call up sitting on the ride and all the foam set get breaking apart and the wagon train slant a little morsel and the PA guy was like OMG ! IT ’S AN EARTHQUAKE ! And it so was n’t . It was a disordered train .
you could also take helicopter hitch of erupting volcanoes in Hawaii , which also counts for natural disaster touristry . But to be able to take the air up to some kind of external watch platform and watch a twister be adrift aside a replica town , like the phony Rock Ridge ? I ’d pay five buck for that .
Donovan :
Ninety - eight per centum of the meter , I sleep on my back . So enjoin me why do I sometimes try sleeping on my side or my venter ? ! ? It never eff works , and I always waste a safe minute slow rotating around until I get right on back to the beginning . I ca n’t be the only douchebag that does this .
Of course not . I too do the whole rotisserie thing , which drives the Mrs. out of her fucking mind . Once a week , without fail , I will turn in the seam and my wife will get super pissed .
HER : You get ta stop .
ME : I ’m trying ! You think I ’m not TRYING to fall at peace here ?
HER : You do n’t see me moving .
ME : That ’s because you ’re a charwoman and your cleaning lady breasts are immobilize you down !
gravely , a woman can lie there in layer like a corpse and not move until she ’s fast asleep . It ’s entirely beyond my capabilities . I sleep like I ’m eight months pregnant . WHERE ’S MY BODY PILLOW ? !
I get really disquieted when I ’ve turned onto my side or onto my tum and for that one wink , the position is incredibly comfortable , only it fails to stay that way . Just for a rip second , I ’m like , “ God this feels great ! ” Then my shoulder seizes up , my back starts to tighten , and suddenly everything shine apart . NOT FAIR .
CG :
How many times in your animation do you think you ’ve eaten something that someone has spit in ? Think about all the time you ’ve order at a restaurant / fast food place . There must have been a few times where you throw the server an posture or they were just having a bad day and settle to tally a little something extra to your repast . I ’d say possibly 5 - 10 time . Is that too high or miserable ?
It ’s probably too high . Unless you ’re a all over prick to every waiter you conform to , chances are you ’ve never had someone openly pawn a loogie on your beefburger . I ’ve gotten pissed about bad restaurant service before , but I ’m the variety of soul that fume quietly , only to bitch about it out loud for hours subsequently once I get into the car . “ CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT SHIT ? ! OUTRAGEOUS ! I should have given that guy cable a piece of my head ! ” I guess you have to be in truth horrifying to waiters to obligate them to do something that could get them fired / sued / arrested / blacklisted .
It ’s much more potential that saliva reached your food via duple dipping . I used to be a busboy and table runner when I was in school . I also worked at Little Caesar ’s for a summer , and Lord knows how often I foul the food for thought of others by sticking my hands in my mouth and then jamming them into formerly pristine pizza dough . Or by dip my spoon into the hot fudge vat and then dip it in again ( Mmm ! Tastes like cocoa jizz ! ) . All that saliva plausibly adds up to a few loogies over the course of a life-time .
Zack :
Last weekend I was working in the garden and digging up chunks of sod so I could dig some post maw . When I pull up the first while , about a 12″ square , I realized that moderate onto the weed was like hold onto a bunch of hair , and the dirt and solution probably weighs about as much as a human head . It was pretty exhilarating to imagine that I was a barbarian savage and I ’d just beheaded some squawk - ass Roman soldier and so I paraded around the yard for a while expose my inexorable trophy to my married woman and to the guy .
It ’s true ! Ripping up sod feels just like scalp another adult male . It peel off so cleanly !
HALFTIME !
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x5LOQgdvv3I
St. Nicholas :
Which is good , usurp each is equally connected to something worthwhile , pushing a clit or flipping a switch ?
This is a copout , but it depends entirely on the button or switch involved . For model , let ’s say there ’s a light in your room , and the spark can be turned on either by a regular bum light switch , or a elephantine flushed push , you ’re take the red clitoris . The scarlet button would feel unbelievable , like you nuked the fucking Persian Gulf in one swift move . Whereas a lightsome transposition is just a sluttish electrical switch , specially if it ’s a unaccented one that does n’t give you that great SNAP ! sound upon snap .
But what if your choice for the way light was between some piece of shit little metal button , like the kind you ’d find on an apartment intercommunication system , and a elephantine metallic element lever switch , like the kind you ’d use to raise a cadaver on a weapons platform up into the sky hoping lightning will come upon it and reanimate it ? Switch profits . NO ONE DENIES THIS . So you see , not all trade and release chemical mechanism are construct equal .
By the way , there ’s a sealed gratification to be had in turn on the light to any fully darkened space . I used to work in an office and sometimes I was the first one there and got to release on all the lights , and you feel like you own the fucking place when you do that . I also would hope that I ’d turn the lights on and there would be a span banging on one of the desks . Never happened .
Mark C. :
If you had the ability , would you have your wife give birth to a Lebron James tier talent in any sport ( we ’ll assume you ARE the beginner ) ? The caution , this minor can not financially benefit you in any mode . No loose ticket , no houses , cars , etc . Is that shit even deserving it ? You ca n’t look on ESPN or take heed to sports talk of the town radio without hearing some Skip Bayless level fuck just disgrace them in every way possible . However , you do get the praise and admiration of have super sport spermatozoon . You also may get the fortune to catch some Z’s with Delonte West .
Is it deserving it ? O HELLZ YEZ , it is . First of all , even if I do n’t do good financially from it , THE youngster does . Which means that tike can now devote his own way . He can give for his own place , his own food , his own policy , his own elevator car . He does n’t have to ask me for a goddamn thing . I last in a creation right now where my child will require me to heat something up , then I will do so and she ’ll bitch that it ’s too red-hot , then I ’ll cool it down and then she ’ll bitch that it ’s too insensate , and then the cycle iterate itself for nine fucking hour . YOU LOUSY CHILD . IT WILL NEVER BE THE EXACT 86 DEGREES YOU need IT . MICROWAVE THOSE NOODLES YOUR OWN GODDAMN SELF . So yes , to have a child with an iniquitous talent that would get him or her out the threshold and ego - sufficient at 18 ? In a Carry Amelia Moore Nation where the average nipper lives with their parents until age 26 ? HEAVEN .
Then there ’s the issue of personal superbia in having a son who dip , or can slay habitation ladder , or whatever . You have to understand that being a parent mean yield to the whole stupid urge to want your children to be better than ALL other children , even though that ’s impossible . So to be able to see my Word dominate a bunch of his oral fissure - external respiration classmates on the football force field , which would let me to stare smugly at other parent to rent them know their child does n’t stack up ? Again , invaluable . Shit , I ’d even volunteer to train the team .
Sure , my kid might grow up to be an entitled shit . And perhaps bitchy blogger would openly call my tiddler a cocksucker . BUT HATERZ GON HATE . All I cognise is that I ’m off the hook for buying animation insurance . Plus he has to thank my ass when he gets the Heisman . That ’s right boy . I land YOU INTO THIS WORLD .
Vaughn :
Zoom in finis and you will see those are Yankees logos all over the eubstance . This is an factual truck some guy is driving in Pittsburgh . He works out at my gym as well and wears a smart dingy ( not the traditional Yankee blue ) Yankees chapeau while he works out , with stiff fitting promising blue Under Armor shirts . He ’s also about 300 pound of musculus . Still , who does that ? mayhap a 6 - twelvemonth - quondam dream of doing something like this , but a grown man ?
Seriously . It look like his truck had sex with a toddler ’s bedspread . [ UPDATE : I ’m say by several people that the motortruck belongs to Willie Colon . Steelers and the Yankees ? blooming frontrunner . ]
Jeff :
Do you ever read while you ’re stand up peeing ? I detect myself doing this all the time now , sometimes without even realizing that I ’m doing it until I ’m midway through peeing . And I ’ll take anything , a novel , the paper , L.L. Bean catalogue , it does n’t weigh . To make matters tough I ’ll stand there for an extra minute or two with my tool hanging out over the bowl while continuing to study . If someone ever walk in on me I would n’t have an account for my actions .
I do it , though virtually never in a public public convenience . At home , I ’ll happily snap up a Word of God and stand there with my peter out of my pants for five minute while finishing a chapter . Feels freeing to read with your hammer out . Really lets the book experience who ’s in charge . Plus , it ’s fun to see if you’re able to hit the bowl without look up from the book OR using your hand . Very sanitary .
John :
This past hebdomad I had two people I know very well go across out . It scram me thinking , what ’s the etiquette on keep open their numbers / contact information in my cubicle phone ? Do you never take them out as an homage to them and a manner of remembering them ? Do you take them out right aside so as to not feel worse about the situation ?
Take them out of your phone . First of all , there ’s no reason to keep them in there from a practicality standpoint . second , if I were up in Heaven and someone enjoin they were going to pay testimonial to me by being too lazy to blue-pencil my bit off their fucking phone , I ’d fly down and haunt the screw out of their house .
Third , and most significant , you should remove the telephone number from your phone to prevent any and all GHOST CALLS . You do n’t want your protagonist to be dead for two week , then one day out of the blue you hear your phone mob and see it ’s THEIR NUMBER displayed . I ’d blow a gal of fertilizer out of my asshole if that ever happen to me . You do n’t want that ghost call . The ghost might suck you into the headphone and trap you in his evil fiber optics .
Kurt :
Situation , bottom of the 9th , runner on third , one out , scored bind at 2 - 2 . Batter launch a rainfly ball surely deep enough to score base runner on third . or else of get the ball the left fieldsman , takes the back of his baseball mitt and bats it into the air towards home plateful . When the ball come down again , he bats it up in the melodic phrase again . in the end , after thrash it 50 feet closer to the plate he secure the ball and give it home . The contrabandist does not advance because the ball was no longer mystifying enough and the ball carrier just has his judgment blown by the odd fielder .
PLAUSIBLE ?
No , but that is n’t gon na stop me from fantasizing about being the first outfielder to do so . Just as I spend much of my spring chicken fantasizing about being the first outfielder to jump into the stall and get the ball twenty run-in back . new Me did n’t have it away that this would still be a nursing home run anyway , so I always dreamt of being the first to conceive of such a play and then blowing the announcer ’s minds with it . Did he just climb into the stands to catch the ball ? WHAT sand ! This is why Doug Flutie practiced drop thrill all the time .
Your idea is n’t plausible in baseball . HOWEVER , it is possible in kickball , is n’t it ? I ’m not sure if you’re able to ferment a pop - up into a volleyball game serve in kickball , but I for certain would sleep with to try .
Rob :
If you HAD to have your birthday on a major ( or semi major ) vacation , is there a better one than the 4th of July ? You and all your friends and family line will always have that day off employment , there will always be a handsome company , and you have full license to celebrate your natal day by exploding as much horseshit as possible . Also it ’s a vacation that does n’t allow friends and family unit to double up up on gifts like Christmas or Valentine ’s Day ( if you ’re in a relationship ) .
My natal day sometimes falls on Mardi Gras , which is fun , but I do n’t know how the 4th can be topped . Can you receive any drawback to sharing a birthday with America ? I ’m passably sure that people would be excited to keep your natal day with you on the 4th , whereas with something like Christmas or Thanksgiving people just feel bad for you .
The problem with make a natal day on any holiday is that multitude are celebrating in oecumenical and not taking a particular occasion to celebrate YOU , and you alone , and all the great things you do for the universe , like daydreaming about impossible plays in kickball . So while the 4th is probably the full holiday for your birthday to fall on , you still plausibly want to have a birthday that has its own peculiar place on the calendar . That way , everyone stays focused on you and how great you are , AND you have an extra drink landmark in the year . You do n’t ever require drinking occasions to overlap if they do n’t have to .
The other thing that blows is if your natal day precipitate on the precise same day as another home member , or someone in your socio-economic class ( brutal if you ’re a footling kid ) . Because then you have to divvy up YOUR Clarence Day with some other prick . You ’re tethered to them forever by that date , and you ca n’t untie it . I ’ve know people with the same birthday as a parent or sibling , and no one wants to share the limelight like that . It ’s bullshit .
Nick :
Do you think these people like Martha ’s Vineyard ?
fucker .
electronic mail of the hebdomad time .
Dave :
I was 2 months unsure of my 23rd birthday when I pick up my first dead body : my grandmother . And it was n’t at the funeral ( which was closed coffin ) , it was at the hospital . She choke moderately suddenly on a white twenty-four hours between Christmas and New Year ’s ( the form of snowstorm that shut out down the interstate ) , and at this degree , her only remaining straightaway class were my parents , my sisters and I.
I had just moved to Milwaukee a week earlier , and I ’m the first one who can reach out the hospital in Madison . By the sentence I get to the hospital , it ’s looking very unlikely that my parents or either of my sisters will be able to get into town until the next morning time . The nurses give me the option of insure my grandma and hold off with her before they roll her to the morgue . For some reasonableness , I feel honor bound to sit around in that elbow room with my dead grandmother and watch over her . Partially , I ’m waiting until I hear back from my parents and babe to know for certain that they wo n’t make it to town until late that nighttime or the next sunup , but I also feel a strange indigence to do it simply out of regard . Not out of cushion . Not out of regret ( she was dear have sex and regularly call , even after dementia kicked in ) . Just out of respect . For some reason , it felt like one of those thing that you should do , simply because it ’s your class and they deserve to have someone stay put around by their side until they go to the morgue .
Of naturally , I must be the only one in my family who finger this direction , because everyone kept telling me that they would n’t have had it in them to sit in a room with a stiff for an hour and a half , no matter how much they loved the dead physical structure . Am I the creepy mortal in my family , or are they just being prudes ?
You ’ve got balls , good sir . Big compassionate ball .
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